All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize