Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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