Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My breasts were aching with rage.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize