I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Randomize
