Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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