I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
