I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
