I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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