In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
