she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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