My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
