How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
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