guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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