proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
