I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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