so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
