Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize