i think my mom watched the whole time
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
