When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
