Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
