Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize
