I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
