There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
accomplished twins. life is a go
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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