Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
