At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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