I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
