i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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