Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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