My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
there's paper in my vomit.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize