We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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