I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
