I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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