Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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