just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
