I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
