this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
