I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
