I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
