my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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