Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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