I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
