He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
