If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Let's get the cat blown out
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
