Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
