she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
