I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
