proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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