Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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