Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
