He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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