I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
