those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
