I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Randomize
