After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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