i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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