i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
