Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
